Hello, dear friends.
After a deeply personal and much-needed absence of several weeks, I am slowly but surely making my way back into this cherished blogging space today with a candid life update. This post has been particularly challenging to articulate, as it delves into some profound personal experiences.
A Heartfelt Farewell: Remembering Holli
Many of you first encountered my beloved friend, Holli, through a post I shared a couple of months ago. The outpouring of love and support in response to that piece was truly overwhelming, and I cannot adequately express the immense impact your comments, emails, and private messages had on Holli during what would become the most agonizing and difficult weeks of her life. Your collective kindness served as an incredible source of strength, lifting her spirits when she needed it most.
She found profound inspiration in your words. She wept as she read your messages, or as they were read to her, realizing the incredible truth that her life and unwavering example had genuinely touched and possibly even transformed the lives of others. It was a testament to the beautiful person she was, leaving a legacy of grace and resilience that resonated far beyond her immediate circle.
Holli concluded her courageous earthly battle with terminal cancer a few weeks ago. The weight of her loss is felt acutely by all who had the privilege of knowing and loving her – a burden felt most intensely by her devoted husband, her six precious children, and her close-knit extended family members. My heart aches relentlessly as I witness this sweet family navigate the daunting task of piecing together a life irrevocably changed by the absence of their cherished Holli. Her spirit, however, remains an indelible part of their lives, and ours.
Navigating the Labyrinth of Grief
Grief is an enigmatic and often unpredictable companion. It extends an uninvited hand, settling deep within the heart without seeking permission. One moment, it can render you breathless and numb, a profound emptiness consuming you. The next, it can evoke laughter through tears, a complex tapestry of emotions weaving through your soul. This paradoxical nature of grief has been a constant presence in my life recently.
Over the past week or so, I’ve found myself wrestling with my own sorrow, attempting to diminish its validity. I’d silently tell myself, “You weren’t family to Holli; you were just a friend. Perhaps you should just ‘suck it up’ a bit, get on with life, move past this?” This internal dialogue, a common struggle for many experiencing secondary grief, was a testament to the often-misunderstood hierarchy of loss.
However, I am slowly and cautiously learning a crucial truth: grief does not exist on a linear continuum or a hierarchical scale. One person’s grief is no less substantial, no less worthy of acknowledgment and processing, than another person’s. It is simply different. Each individual’s experience of loss is unique, shaped by their relationship with the departed and their personal journey. And in that understanding, we are all inherently entitled to our grief, to feel it, to express it, and to heal from it in our own time and way.
After spending nearly every day in Holli’s home and by her side for the past 21 months, sharing countless moments and profound conversations, I feel as though I have lost a sister. The pain is raw and profound. I ache for my own personal loss, for the void she has left in my life. I hurt deeply for Holli’s heartbroken family, witnessing their unbearable sorrow. I hurt for the sheer injustice and unfairness of life, questioning why such a vibrant soul was taken too soon. And truthfully, I hurt because, at this moment, I simply cannot help it; the emotion is too pervasive to ignore or suppress.
Life’s Persistent Demands Amidst Sorrow
Holli’s profound needs during her illness, her passing, and the subsequent arrangements for her funeral – encompassing all the bittersweet and arduous aspects of this journey – have consumed a significant portion of my emotional, physical, and mental energy over the last several months. It has been an all-encompassing experience, demanding every ounce of my focus and strength.
Compounding this deeply personal grief are the incessant, yet inescapable, daily demands of life. You know how it is. Life, in its relentless march, does not pause for personal sorrow. It continues to present its usual array of responsibilities and unexpected moments.
Milestones and Mundane Moments
Like helping my son, who I steadfastly refuse to believe is old enough for such milestones, prepare for his very first prom. It was a moment brimming with the bittersweet recognition of time marching forward, a blend of parental pride and a quiet ache amidst everything else.
And then there are the unexpected, often humorous, disruptions, such as our mischievous pigs escaping their enclosures and peering inquisitively at us from the back windows. These small, wild moments offered a brief, jarring contrast to the somber reality, a reminder of the chaotic beauty of life.
Another poignant memory involves making Nanaimo bars with a couple of Holli’s sweet nieces the day after her funeral. Holli, born and raised in Canada, had a deep affection for these delicious no-bake dessert bars. Her husband’s family, however, had never had the pleasure of tasting this Canadian delicacy. So, in a beautiful act of remembrance and cultural sharing, we made them in Holli’s honor, a simple yet profound way to celebrate her heritage and bring a little sweetness to a profoundly bitter time. These three-layered bars—a crumb base, custard filling, and chocolate ganache—were a taste of Holli’s roots.
Easter traditions also continued, a steadfast rhythm in the face of change. This particular year, my buddy “T” – Holli’s youngest son – found immense joy and excitement in dyeing hard-boiled eggs, a small but significant moment of childhood delight amidst the surrounding sorrow. It was a gentle reminder of the enduring innocence and resilience of children.
And then there are those absurdly brief windows of opportunity, like fixing a malfunctioning garbage disposal in a shirt and tie between church meetings because it’s literally the only five minutes available in an otherwise packed day. Such moments underscore how life relentlessly demands our attention, regardless of our internal state.
Spring break called for entertaining kids with various diversions, though it became clear that the teenagers wanted absolutely nothing to do with the “exciting” rides at the arcade. Their characteristic teenage aloofness provided another layer of ordinary life unfolding.
And so, life has continued, a blend of the mundane and the not-so-mundane details of a busy, ordinary existence, all while the world, both near and far, often feels as though it’s teetering on the brink of falling apart. This constant juxtaposition has been a profound lesson in resilience and adaptation.
Transformation and Reconnection
I genuinely don’t feel like the same person I was last year, or even just a few months ago. This journey has brought about a significant internal shift. I’ve intentionally hit the pause button on numerous aspects of my life to allow myself the space and time to process, heal, and ultimately figure out how I want to move forward. And, spoiler alert: I honestly haven’t missed social media at all during this time, finding a surprising sense of peace in its absence. However, I DO deeply miss this particular blogging space and the genuine connection I share with all of you here.
To those of you who reached out, wondering and even worried if I was alright during the long silence on both my blog and Instagram, please accept my heartfelt gratitude. I honestly found it hard to believe that any of you would give my absence a second thought, or take the time to comment or email me with your concerns. Your genuine care, your prayers, and your thoughtful, exquisitely kind words have been a gentle, soothing balm to my aching heart. It means more to me than I can possibly express in words right now. I am truly sorry if I haven’t yet responded to all the messages; please know they have been read and deeply appreciated.
Holli’s Indelible Legacy: Faith and Hope
If you had the pleasure of knowing the spunky, sassy, and utterly vibrant Holli in person, you would know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she’d be hollering at me right now to “get on with life!” and to “carry on!” And, with her characteristic humor and directness, she’d certainly add, “for the love, give the people the dang recipes they want, Mel!” – a direct, and much-loved, quote from Holli herself, which always brings a smile to my face.
So, I will be getting back to it, little by little, day by day. I am in the process of carefully picking up the stray pieces of my own life that I’ve, by necessity, let fall by the wayside over the last few weeks. All of it needs to be gently reassembled in the proper order. Some areas, particularly those involving my children and other personal aspects, will undoubtedly require a bit more time, tender loving care, and intentional effort than others. It’s a rebuilding process, and I’m committed to it.
I learned an immeasurable amount from Holli, but one profound truth stands out above all else: God is always, always in the details. She would utter that phrase repeatedly, a mantra of unwavering faith, even amidst her most excruciating pain and profound distress. Witnessing her steadfast belief, I have seen the irrefutable evidence of this truth manifest in countless ways over the last couple of years, in moments both small and monumental.
One particular instance that vividly illustrates this truth is related to this bagel bread. It’s a truly incredible story, woven with threads of divine intervention and tender mercies. Hopefully, I’ll be able to share it with you all someday soon (this post, as you can tell, is already quite extensive).
During my brief remarks at Holli’s funeral, I shared a message and a powerful quote that resonated deeply with her essence. I felt compelled to share it here with you, as it beautifully encapsulates the spirit of who Holli was. She was perpetually focused on selfless service and on her Savior, Jesus Christ. Despite enduring unimaginable trials, she maintained a tremendous, unshakeable hope in the goodness of things yet to come, a hope that inspired everyone around her.
As many of you know, Holli passed away on Good Friday. This day, heavy with sorrow, mirrors the profound grief experienced by Christ’s friends and family who spent days mourning and weeping after his death. Yet, just as they eventually learned, Sunday will come. The crushing sadness of that Friday did not endure. The despair did not linger, because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death, bringing an eternal promise of hope and triumph.
As the revered Joseph B. Wirthlin so eloquently articulated: “Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come.” This message of enduring hope and ultimate redemption was Holli’s constant comfort, and it resonates deeply now.
We love you, Holli. Our hearts and our lives will never be the same without you. We are forever changed by your profound dedication to the Lord, as we witnessed firsthand how truly and completely you have always loved and ministered to others, touching countless lives with your compassion and strength. I have no doubt that this is precisely what you are continuing to do right now, radiating that same love and service. I testify that Jesus Christ knows Holli, intimately and perfectly. He knows each of us. He loves us with an infinite love. And He will undoubtedly carry us through the hard, yet ultimately beautiful, days that lie ahead, offering solace and strength every step of the way.
{artwork from here}
A Shared Journey
Lastly, and most sincerely, thank YOU for being here. Thank you for your incredible patience with me as I have navigated a particularly challenging and transformative period in my life. And thank you, from the depths of my soul, for allowing me the sacred space to share a piece of my innermost self here, even though, on the surface, this may appear to be “just” a food blog. This community means so much more to me than just recipes.
It is an honor and a privilege to share this digital space with each of you. I know, with absolute certainty, that we all face difficult, challenging, and often messy lives at various times. The struggles are universal, though their forms may differ. You are not alone in your challenges. I am not alone in mine. We are all truly in this together, connected by our shared human experience. I have been profoundly strengthened by your goodness, your unwavering kindness, your courageously shared vulnerability, and your boundless virtual generosity, expressed through your thoughtful words and supportive thoughts. I love your guts so very, very much, and I am endlessly grateful for this beautiful community.
I will be back next week, refreshed and ready, with some delectable recipes that have patiently been waiting for months for their well-deserved chance in the spotlight. Until then, with love and gratitude, XOXO.